she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
