Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had me at cake vodka
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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