my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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