do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
