you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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