highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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