Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
