Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
