dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
