Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
