I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You were trust falling into bushes
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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