How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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