youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
