My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize