based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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