I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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