i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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