I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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