I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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