There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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