Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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