...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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