I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
