Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
