1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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