I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
