when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
