He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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