How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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