i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
