last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
