Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
