I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Semen is not good for contacts.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize