All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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