dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
