I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
