i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
