So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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