Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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