He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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