i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my sisters under your porch take her home
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
