I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
