I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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