Capitaan dildo arrescate!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
