if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
