Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
