I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
