remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
