my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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