I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
