If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Let's get the cat blown out
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
