I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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