He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
