I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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