Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
