Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
