Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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