I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
