im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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