Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
