Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
